I’m sitting here, with my cat Saga (who I usually call my great white spirit cat) purring next to me on the couch, starting to decompress from my day and breathe, and get ready to do a bit of creative work before bed (you know how I love working at night).
I have a new homework assignment to write something about my life every day and share it. And to try not to self-censor too much.
For the record, life is really great. Mark is being celebrated for his work and I am so happy for him, and proud of the work we’re doing. There’s a political storm coming that I embrace – and I can paint again (I couldn’t for a long time because of my hands shaking so badly). Also the film festival in San Fransisco is happening soon, I’m a cinematographer for a movie about Orcas – and I get to live a life my 5 year old self would totally approve of. I have adorable cats who love me and a great relationship. So I can’t complain in general.
But truthfully, along with a general sense of gratitude for where I am and how cool life is, I’ve also been balancing a feeling of being untethered and I’ve lost my sense of clarity about what my purpose is. The illness really put me into a “in the moment” space, where I had most decisions dealt with for me and it was all I could do to deal with each moment as they happened. But it also has meant that I spent a lot of time in meditative space, and focused on healing myself and looking from my tiny point of light at the world as a whole and what’s happening in it.
Coming back into the world is in so many ways, like having been in a monastery for the last 10 years and now I’m supposed to know how to blend back in. The work I have been doing for a long time has evolved, and yet in some ways it’s harder to see the whole picture than it’s ever been.
So I’m doing what I can, trying to finish the parts I can see, and piece things together, trying to start to write down some of what I know – but it feels on some days like trying to bottle lightning. So much energy and light and my body is not quite equipped to take all that energy without a proper ground – and there isn’t one. I know that location/some form of grounding is essential, some community/roots, but I walk through many worlds and I belong to none.
I can see how the information I have matters, and how it might shift consciousness, but I don’t see the whole elephant – and so I’m not sure how to condense the vision/view to share it with people. As I write this the great white spirit cat is patting my leg, in a very human comforting way, giving me a super wise look. Because I’m sure she knows these answers. 😉
Anyway, that’s me in a nutshell
Trying to see the elephant in the room, 😉 I have a sense of the giant thing blocking the light source, and I can touch every part of it that I can reach, and even some I can’t and it will talk to me, but it won’t tell me what the heck it wants. And I feel like until I can see it, pointing out the elephant isn’t going to really change much – people will still see the same thing they’ve always seen and assume what they know is all of it – the tail, or the trunk, or the ear.
And it’s not enough. Yet.
So love for tonight, and until we speak tomorrow,